Sunday, February 9, 2014

FEB 2, 2014 - Uppers, Downers, & everything in between

 * Song of the Day: The Avett Brothers - Winter In My Heart    

       My life revolves around my children, small family, even smaller circle of friends, my therapist, my psychiatrist, and my medications.  I wish in that order, but medications must come first or I'm out of wack.

       From nightly medications it takes approx 45 minutes to not be a zombie.  For the first 25 minutes I cannot see, talk, or walk completely straight.  Then it takes another 20 minutes for my speech to come back fully.  There's give and take for everything in life.  When I slept only 12.5 hours in 9 days I reached my breaking point.  It was time to make deals with the pharmaceutical company devils.
       I eat a protein bar and vitamin water for breakfast, and off to the races I go.  I get Jack up at 7:45am, get him breakfast, have his book-bag and lunch ready, have him brush his teeth, and 8:30am on to the school bus he goes. 
         Now my severe OCD begins. All beds made, check.  All rooms swept, cleaned and dusted, check.  All laundry put together and started, check.  Both bathrooms cleaned, check. Clean dishes put away, check. Time for my first break.  It's now 9:15am.  If I don't have a doctor's appointment, I usually see what ingredients I have to bake something or experiment with.

       With the first break over, and something in the oven, my deep cleaning starts. I pull out and vacuum the sectional, couches, rugs, and carpets.  Clean all baseboards and move all furniture, sweep, and mop.  At this point the house is completely clean. I make Jack's lunch for the next day, and wipe the fridge out.  I really only make dinner when company is here, but check the milk date daily.
          It's about 10:00am now, I put the laundry away, and have 7 hours to myself.  I grab my camera, and decide where I might go. Some days I'll drive to the Strip District.  Some days I'll take my friends with their babies and toddlers,  or family and cousins to the Carnegie Science Center, or the Carnegie Natural History Museum for free on my membership.  Some days I'll take a trip to the Warhol solo just to see what traveling exhibits they have, or Phipps Conservatory solo taking all the beauty in slowly.  Every once in a while you'll see me at Grandview Park, or the West End Overlook, but it's tempting to jump so I try not to go alone- if I go at all.  Honestly, fighting suicidal thoughts and ideas occurs 5-15 times a day. It's my own hell on earth.  A fight I've been hiding for over 20+ years.
         It's truly hard to live in a world where your brain constantly is tempting you to do one thing, you get the nerve to do it, and the end result is still disappointing.  I reach to do another load of laundry, and the bleach is right there- staring and taunting me. I pick it up, drink 2 full cups of it, and... nothing.  Another day I go to refill the dish washing liquid on the sink dispenser-and the Windex is staring and taunting me. I pick it up, drink 2 cups of it and... nothing.  Two months ago I went to refill my window washer fluid- and the antifreeze is there staring and taunting me.  I pick it up, drink 2 cups of it and... nothing- which was subsequently left directly at my parent's for safety reasons.
           It's now time to pick Jack up from my rents.  I'm so lucky to have this set up where Jack is dropped off after school at my mom's in case Rex or I are not home in time.  I love those in my life so much, but have severe dissociative issues with everyone; to the degree of a sociopath which is scary and daily confusing.  It makes me feel like a monster, a horrible mother, friend, family member, patient, and most of all - person.

For instance : Q & A

Q #1- Do you love your children, family, and friends?
A #1-  Yes!!!!!!! Anyone who knows me know I love everyone in my life 10X more than myself, as it should be.

Q #2- Are you excited to see Audrey,  Jack, and your family/ friend's children you adore graduate high school, get married, grow up?
A #2- I could give a shit less. With or without me they all will be successfully amazing sweet, kind, fair, and well mannered individuals in whatever they choose.  In all honesty- no, I would not care at all to miss any of their milestones.

 Q #3- Won't you miss your friends and family, and don't you realize you will be affecting their lives as Brad did yours.                                                                      
 A #3-  I will miss my friends/ family, but I'm slowly loosing this long battle. I feel Brad's circumstances are different than mine.   I'm trying to slowly let people know it's coming, and say what you want now. Spend time with me now. Be my friend now. Be my family now. Everyone always says " I wish I could have told them .....," well here's your chance.
           It's such a metal mind fuck to love people with all your heart, then not give 2 shits about them the next.  Or going from drowsy you can't walk or talk - to having energy to clean whole house.     Beep...beep.... beep...  And so tomorrow begins.

        This is me being honest about where I am, please don't make me regret being truthful with those I'm closest to.  All these things have been discussed with my doctors, who I trust wholeheartedly, and who believe in me 110%.