Thursday, February 27, 2014

FEB 28, 2014 - Today is just another day... but not for all. I love and will always be here for you T.

  * Song of the Day - Tracy Chapman - The Promise

          Albert Einstein said, "Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything."  He's exactly right.  There is nothing like seeing the orange glow of a sunset, the blue hue of the morning behind bare tree branches, or the soul of an animal glancing straight at you.  I'm truly thankful that I can appreciate what's around me at all times.

         I love the sound of water rushing between rocks, and the subtle whisper of bird's wings as the air is being pushed down by them.  Nature's immensely unbelievable and implausible power is constantly remarkable; and overwhelming to tears at times. 

       This blog post is in memory of a father who loved grilling and picnics. was always kind to me, my children, and especially his family.   Thinking of you and your loved ones today.

" When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been in your delight. "
-Khalil Gibran

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.




Sunday, February 9, 2014

FEB 2, 2014 - Uppers, Downers, & everything in between

 * Song of the Day: The Avett Brothers - Winter In My Heart    

       My life revolves around my children, small family, even smaller circle of friends, my therapist, my psychiatrist, and my medications.  I wish in that order, but medications must come first or I'm out of wack.

       From nightly medications it takes approx 45 minutes to not be a zombie.  For the first 25 minutes I cannot see, talk, or walk completely straight.  Then it takes another 20 minutes for my speech to come back fully.  There's give and take for everything in life.  When I slept only 12.5 hours in 9 days I reached my breaking point.  It was time to make deals with the pharmaceutical company devils.
       I eat a protein bar and vitamin water for breakfast, and off to the races I go.  I get Jack up at 7:45am, get him breakfast, have his book-bag and lunch ready, have him brush his teeth, and 8:30am on to the school bus he goes. 
         Now my severe OCD begins. All beds made, check.  All rooms swept, cleaned and dusted, check.  All laundry put together and started, check.  Both bathrooms cleaned, check. Clean dishes put away, check. Time for my first break.  It's now 9:15am.  If I don't have a doctor's appointment, I usually see what ingredients I have to bake something or experiment with.

       With the first break over, and something in the oven, my deep cleaning starts. I pull out and vacuum the sectional, couches, rugs, and carpets.  Clean all baseboards and move all furniture, sweep, and mop.  At this point the house is completely clean. I make Jack's lunch for the next day, and wipe the fridge out.  I really only make dinner when company is here, but check the milk date daily.
          It's about 10:00am now, I put the laundry away, and have 7 hours to myself.  I grab my camera, and decide where I might go. Some days I'll drive to the Strip District.  Some days I'll take my friends with their babies and toddlers,  or family and cousins to the Carnegie Science Center, or the Carnegie Natural History Museum for free on my membership.  Some days I'll take a trip to the Warhol solo just to see what traveling exhibits they have, or Phipps Conservatory solo taking all the beauty in slowly.  Every once in a while you'll see me at Grandview Park, or the West End Overlook, but it's tempting to jump so I try not to go alone- if I go at all.  Honestly, fighting suicidal thoughts and ideas occurs 5-15 times a day. It's my own hell on earth.  A fight I've been hiding for over 20+ years.
         It's truly hard to live in a world where your brain constantly is tempting you to do one thing, you get the nerve to do it, and the end result is still disappointing.  I reach to do another load of laundry, and the bleach is right there- staring and taunting me. I pick it up, drink 2 full cups of it, and... nothing.  Another day I go to refill the dish washing liquid on the sink dispenser-and the Windex is staring and taunting me. I pick it up, drink 2 cups of it and... nothing.  Two months ago I went to refill my window washer fluid- and the antifreeze is there staring and taunting me.  I pick it up, drink 2 cups of it and... nothing- which was subsequently left directly at my parent's for safety reasons.
           It's now time to pick Jack up from my rents.  I'm so lucky to have this set up where Jack is dropped off after school at my mom's in case Rex or I are not home in time.  I love those in my life so much, but have severe dissociative issues with everyone; to the degree of a sociopath which is scary and daily confusing.  It makes me feel like a monster, a horrible mother, friend, family member, patient, and most of all - person.

For instance : Q & A

Q #1- Do you love your children, family, and friends?
A #1-  Yes!!!!!!! Anyone who knows me know I love everyone in my life 10X more than myself, as it should be.

Q #2- Are you excited to see Audrey,  Jack, and your family/ friend's children you adore graduate high school, get married, grow up?
A #2- I could give a shit less. With or without me they all will be successfully amazing sweet, kind, fair, and well mannered individuals in whatever they choose.  In all honesty- no, I would not care at all to miss any of their milestones.

 Q #3- Won't you miss your friends and family, and don't you realize you will be affecting their lives as Brad did yours.                                                                      
 A #3-  I will miss my friends/ family, but I'm slowly loosing this long battle. I feel Brad's circumstances are different than mine.   I'm trying to slowly let people know it's coming, and say what you want now. Spend time with me now. Be my friend now. Be my family now. Everyone always says " I wish I could have told them .....," well here's your chance.
           It's such a metal mind fuck to love people with all your heart, then not give 2 shits about them the next.  Or going from drowsy you can't walk or talk - to having energy to clean whole house.     Beep...beep.... beep...  And so tomorrow begins.

        This is me being honest about where I am, please don't make me regret being truthful with those I'm closest to.  All these things have been discussed with my doctors, who I trust wholeheartedly, and who believe in me 110%.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

JAN 31, 2014 - Valentine's Day : Unwelcome & Unneeded


            I'm over these Valentine's Day surprise commercials.  How about not be a sheep, and tell your loved one everyday you love them, not because Hallmark or FTD tells you to at the tune of $50.00.    Why love can't be free as it should be is sad, capitalistic, & disgusting! Take a post it, jot some honest feelings, and DON'T give it on Feb 14.  

         You're now a true romantic. They're dying quick and fast, but are remembered forever.  I still own a Burger King napkin that says "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Amber- Love Keith" with balloons drawn on it. It's one of my most prized possessions given to me on my 14th birthday.

         Don't let Big Business tell you how and when to love.  Be your own person, make your own fate, believe you can make something special happen any day for the one you care about- not JUST on FEB 14. Don't baa for Big Business, love when, how, spontaneously, and especially on your terms... always.   Here were my terms this years... I made some of my favorite foods, listened to Shirley Bassey on vinyl, and enjoyed the silence.